I'm Still Here Struggling

I write in complete sorrow, when darkness starts to vanquish my shining light.  Once again I feel to need to be suppressed from people, from civilization.

            Every time I see you or talk to you, it causes me an enormous amount of pain.  But that’s okay because I believe that I should suffer; forever be ashamed of my mistakes and pathetic choices I've made and regretted.

            I've continuously broken someone’s heart, someone I love more than life itself; she was my life.  Every day I feel utterly depressed because of what I did.  I promised that I would never leave her, but eventually I did…I broke my promise that I never intended to do.  My love for her never died, it’s still dominant in my heart and it makes every breathing moment hard.

            I go to sleep and dream of her, yet when I awake I realize that I’m not with her anymore because I failed to keep my promise.  There’s a saying that goes, “If you love something let it go.”  That’s exactly what I did; the distance was hurting me and could tell that it hurt you too.  I couldn't always be there for you when you needed me to be.  I felt that if I just disappeared from your life, that you would find someone better, someone closer to you, someone who could always be there to take care of you.  I just want you to find someone who can love and care for you more than I ever did.

            Even after all I've said and done, I still love you and always will.  Being with my girlfriend does make me happy, but I can’t even kiss her or anything without feeling like I’m betraying you which is why I haven’t kissed her yet.  While I’m being honest, I do have feeling for Briana, but my heart will always yearn for you no matter how much time passes.

            I’m here dying, I feel like life’s punishing me for who I am; for what I’ve become.  Sadness still pours from this lost and lonely soul.  All I’m doing is trying to survive but I seem to be failing at that too.  I don’t think I’ll ever truly heal or move on from you Courtney.  You were the only thing in the darkness that I had…you were my light.

What Could've Been

One year ago today, I started a relationship with the most amazing girl in the world.  She made me the happiest person in the world and I knew I would always love her.  We stayed together for 10 and a half months then it suddenly ended.  My world was torn apart and I didn’t really have a reason to be happy anymore.  Well over a month passed and we started up again.  Sure I’m able to smile for real now, but everything’s different.  I know I should be the happiest person in the world, but truth is…I’m not.

  There’s doubt now.  Doubt about our relationship, about how she’ll probably just leave me again.  I know it’s not right to say this when you’re in a relationship, but I use to keep my thoughts and my feelings to myself before which didn’t get me anywhere.  I want to believe we’ll be together forever, but I just can’t.  I couldn’t really sleep last night because I kept thinking of her; of us.  If we could’ve just stayed together the first time, then things would be so much better and I wouldn’t be writing this.  Today would’ve been one of the best days of my life so far but now it’s just full of disappointment, stress, and sadness.  I wouldn’t be thinking of what could’ve been.  Sure I’m with her now, but it’s like I’m still fighting to gain her love, acceptance, and her forever because right now I don’t feel like I have it.  Right now all I feel like I have is lies and I don’t want to feel this.  I want it to be how it was before.

Dear Courtney

I’ve decided to write a letter to my ex because it seems like this is the only way she’ll listen since she seems to be ignoring me now, so here it goes:

Dear Courtney,

            I wish I could go back to when I met you, to when I fell for you….and run away.  I don’t know if your life would’ve been any better without me in it, I hope that it wouldn’t have, but part of me thinks that you’d be better off if we didn’t date.  And although the journey was something I’ll never regret; it’s the ending that I regret happening.  I don’t know if there’s something differently I could’ve done to keep us together, but I just wish that it didn’t end like this.

 You know that I always loved you with everything I had.  I listened when you needed it, I didn’t judge you for your past, nor did I ever stop loving you.  Even to this very day, my heart beats for you; you’re the only person that I want, but I realize that you aren’t coming back so I unfortunately have to move on.  Even if I start seeing other people, they’ll never match my love I have for you; no one will ever be like you, you're the best person that entered my life which is why this has been hard on me.  I do wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck though, and I hope she treats you right because you deserve to have the best; I’m just sorry I wasn’t that person.

 I put your picture back up in my room though because when I look at it, it makes me smile and realize how lucky I was to have you; to finally have someone who could lift the sadness from my shoulders.  You were my hero; my love.  I was never able to sleep well, but I still have nightmares, except they’re about you now.  And I just want a good night’s sleep instead of lying in bed thinking about you; wondering what you’re doing or what you’re thinking.

 I know I hurt you though, that I was jealous when you were with other people, or mad when you weren’t returning any of my texts.  I was selfish and I shouldn’t have been.  I know I’ve already spilled my heart out to you, but….i’m just bad at explaining myself, at explaining my feelings.  And I know it’s weird to say this, but I miss your voice, your beautiful face, so I watch your sisters YouTube video’s with you in them and they make me laugh and remember how amazing you are.  I have so many more things to say, it’s just that I don’t know how to say them, but the only thing that matters is that I love you and I can’t live without you, i'm nothing without you, even if we’re just friends, it's better than nothing…please talk to me Court.

Love, Bev

The Pain Drags On

Well, it’s been about 3 weeks since my life drastically changed.  Everyone tells me that I should be happy, even her, but I can’t; no one understands.  They don’t understand how much I put my heart into the relationship, into her.  She was everything I wanted and needed, but I guess she didn’t feel that way about me; I’m not surprised though, no one ever has.  Every day I fight with myself about texting her or not, I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I lose and end up doing it anyway.  I feel fine when I talk to her but then it stops and I’m in complete desperation.  She was my life, the only thing that mattered to me, and now, nothing does.  I don't even think she know's how much this is tearing me apart; that not being with her isn't a good thing for me, it's brought me to the lowest point I've ever been in my life.

  Whenever I’m not working, I’m laying here, thinking of her; and whenever I’m not awake, I’m dreaming of her.  I’ve always had horrible nightmares, but recently it’s just been dreams about her and I wake up in the middle of the night crying because  I know she’ll never be mine again; she’s moved on to someone new.  The thought of someone else holding her, being able to call her theirs, and saying the words “I love you” to her, makes me feel so meaningless, so abandoned.  It makes me cry my eyes out uncontrollably.

  I know this is wrong to say, I shouldn’t even think it, but I just wish that I wasn’t gay at all because then maybe life would be easier and I wouldn’t be sitting here crying while writing this.  I’ve always been proud to be myself, to be gay, but lately I just wish that I wasn’t; I also wish that I didn’t even exist.  It’s hard to actually say it, so why am I even thinking this?  I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore; I can’t possibly be a psychiatrist if I’m like this.

 My mother’s side tries to comfort me, but I won’t let them; it’s just impossible to.  Instead I go to my room and lay there until I fall asleep.  When I’m at my father's though, no one even cares.  I stay in my room there as well and write songs about her or I go out and run, walk, or ride my bike to clear my mind.  I haven’t seen any friends in 2 weeks; I just don’t feel like seeing anyone.  I would rather just sit in a corner and await death.  It just seems better that way; not just for myself, but for everyone.  I’m not actually saying I’m going to make myself die, I’m just saying that I think being dead would be so much better than this.  

Life’s A Roller Coaster

I honestly don’t know what to write.  Nothing’s even right anymore.  I’ve learned that the saying “life’s like a roller coaster” is true.  It’s like one moment my life’s at its highest point, then the next I’m going down fast and not able to control anything that’s coming.  After years of not believing in love, I had thought that I found the “One”.  I carried around a real smile for 10 and a half months.  I saw life differently, in a better way; I was finally happy, no worries or being depressed.  I loved life, loved what it had in store for me.  Everyday just talking to her made me gregarious and it was very hard to break that.  I had everything I needed then; I had her…I had Courtney.  Everything just instantly changed though.

  We started getting into arguments more often and I figured it was normal, I mean every couple fights, but I guess things were just too much to handle for her.  I’ve been single for a week and hating every moment of it.  To be honest, I still don’t understand the whole reasoning why she left me.  I can’t really keep anything down, my stomach can’t handle it and 3-5 hours of sleep a night isn’t working for me, yet my body won’t accept that fact.  I don’t know how, but my eyes have produced more tears this week than ever before.  I feel like I’m slowly dying here; the sadness is becoming too much for me to bear.  It’s really bad when I can’t listen to music anymore without some song coming on and reminding me of her, driving to work and passing a road called “Courtney”, or going to type in the password to my computer and remembering that it’s not her name anymore.  It’s just tearing my heart apart even more and I’m on the edge of breaking down and probably going to have to go to some mental place; no lie. 

          Even after everything I’m going through, I can’t complain, sure I have it rough, but she’s had a hard life too, and I envy her for everything she’s been through yet being where she is today.  Even though I feel horrible, she’s still an amazing person and I still love her and I always will.  Things happen for a reason and I’m still trying to figure out what the reasoning for us meeting, becoming a couple, then breaking up was for.

Psychiatrist: My Reason Why

Failure after failure, tear after tear, cut after cut nothing seemed to be going right.  Never in my mind did I think that things could get better just the slightest, yet they did.  I may not be where I’m trying to get to, but I’m closer now than I was before.  Every day was a struggle to continue; a struggle to get a grip on a tiny fraction of happiness, but I never found it for quite some time.  Every night I went to bed wishing that I wouldn’t awaken in the morning but when the sun came up, my eyes would open and I was left with questions.  Why am I still here?  What is the reason that I’m here breathing a breath that I feel like I don’t deserved?  How could God create someone like me:  someone who thinks about death constantly, one who’s attracted to the same gender, a person that doesn’t enjoy life or anything it has to offer….why did he do it?  But when my life reached its lowest point, I looked more to the Lord for answers, for forgiveness; for happiness.  That’s when I met a psychiatrist whose name is David.  Although he didn’t do much, he brought me to my starting point of healing, he helped and cared about my well-being, and for that, I am grateful.  He didn’t give up on me even when I felt like giving up on him, giving up on the world.  He listened and helped as much as I would let him; he also inspired me.  I use to want to be a marine biologist.  I loved swimming, interacting with animals, and I was interested in the subject matter, but then I changed my mind…I wanted to become a psychiatrist.  No one really understood why I suddenly decided to change my dreams but that’s because they never asked me directly, so I never told anyone.  I previously said that David had inspired me and he is the reason why I want to go into this field of work.  I’ve always been good at helping friends with their problems, even people I’m not friends with; people just refer others to me.  Sometimes I thought that it was kind of creepy but I’ve come to realize that it’s not creepy, it’s actually an honor; something to be proud of.  I’ve come to love people asking me for help or advice and I feel it’s necessary to help relinquish the issues others face.  I feel like a person who has gone through something similar to another person has the ability to help them better than anyone else.  I would like to work with teenagers who are depressed, self-mutilated themselves, or who have eating disorders because those are the things that I’ve gone through and I feel as if I’d be an excellent person for someone in need to come to.  I want to help others like David helped me:  I want to be able to make a person in so much pain from depression smile, to save someone’s life and be their hero, and most importantly, I want to be someone who makes a difference in the world.  That readers, is why I feel the need to become a psychiatrist

My Story

My name’s Beverly (Bev).  I’m not really sure when it all started, the past 3 years have just been a blur.  I’ll start with 6^th grade.  This was the first year that I got bullied directly that I can remember and I wasn’t even a teenager yet.  A lot of the “cool” people always called me the misfit, Beaverly, and other names I don’t recall, but they called me the misfit mainly because I was a tomboy.  I mean sure it’s weird but I was raised being surrounded by mostly the male gender, there wasn’t really a female figure in my life growing up.  Anyways, that year this girl decided she was going to punch me in the face and I personally don’t believe in fighting so I just stood there while she did it.  Then she told everyone she beat me up, which technically she didn’t and let me tell you, she sucks at punching.  Well, she persuaded most of my friends to befriend me so I was the person with no friends.

The next year, 7^th grade, I changed my look.  I no longer wore boy clothing nor did I wear my hair up.  I wore makeup for the first time and people started asking me out.  My first serious relationship was with a guy named Jonah who is currently one of my good friends.  He was also my first kiss and I never forgot that moment.  It’s one of my best memories from Jr. High.  I also acquired new friendship.  I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I was enjoying life after a year full of bullying.  It was strange; having the change from grade school to Jr. High, single to a serious relationship, and from having no friends to gaining new ones.  This girl, Rakshita, came to our school after moving here from India and we became best friends.  We use to sing Taylor Swift songs on the bus all the time; we’d laugh and have a fun time.  But at the end of the year she moved and no one could replace her, she was one of a kind, she was the best friend I ever had.  Well that depressed me, and on top of that, Jonah dumped me.  That’s when I started writing poetry.  I did it to explain how I was feeling and they were very negative poems.  The school year ended and summer started.  In July one of my friends told me that they were bisexual and I being a Christian thought it was wrong and she told me that I couldn’t judge her because I never experienced anything with a girl before.  She kissed me one day and I don’t know why, but I kissed her back.  I guess that that’s when I knew I was bisexual too. 

8^th grade:  worst year of my life.  The only good part was when I joined a band.  We were actually good, had a few gigs but then we all became so busy that we split.  So, the bad part was that I was bisexual and not sure how my friends would take it.  I was scared.  Most of them were Christians and I didn’t want to be friendless again.  I only told the people I knew wouldn’t judge me.  Some of them did though and it put me down further.  Then this new girl, Catherine, invited me to her sleepover birthday party.  It was the first time anyone has ever invited me to anything and it made me happy.  But what made that sleepover amazing was meeting this one girl, Sarah.  The moment I met her, something just changed inside me.  I can’t explain it, it’s like I was weightless, like nothing else mattered but her.  She was the first person I truly fell in love with.  After that day it was like my life only revolved around her.  The problem was that she didn’t know that I loved her and I didn’t know that she was bisexual like me.  But I eventually told her and for a long time I chased after her love.  I was unsuccessful.  I don’t know if that was where most of my depression came from, but it was horrible.  A lot of the time I just wished that I was dead and it came to the point where I wanted to end it, I didn’t want to breathe another breath.  I felt like love was a privilege that I didn’t deserve it because of who I was.  Life was just horrible.  My old friend Meg told the guidance counselor that I had tried to kill myself and he got me out of school and I had to go see a psychiatrist.  I saw him for a while but he never really helped me.

      Freshman year was the year I was finding myself.  It was the year that I started looking too in depth with things.  I was still depressed, it doesn’t go away that easily, but it was just the feeling of not being wanted or loved not the suicidal thoughts anymore.  About a month before school started I became very sick; I didn’t have the right nutrition’s or enough protein.  I had been a vegetarian for 3 years but I wasn’t being healthy about it.  After that once I started eating meat and more food I gained some weight.  I looked at myself differently though; it’s like when I looked in the mirror all I saw was…fat.  I became bulimic and that continued for a little less than a year.  Then I realized that it wasn’t right.  Anyways, this was the year that I announced my sexual orientation.  There were many mixed feelings about this from others:  some felt mad, confused, surprised, while some just welcomed me.  They welcomed me to their click.  These people guided, supported, and inspired me.  They knew what I would be going through as a newly open homosexual.  It was hard.  At times I just felt like going back to my old ways again, to escape from everything.  Instead, I found myself coming home from school, going directly to my room, and listening to emo/alternative/punk/screamo music, drawing/painting, writing poetry, or writing songs.  I didn’t want to face reality.  When I got to school I looked forward to seeing my friends again so that I could talk to them about how I felt.  Unfortunately, most of them were seniors and I knew they would be graduating and leaving me to the test for the following year.  They had taught me to stand up for myself for who I am, not to judge others because I have felt the pain it causes, never to give up, and most importantly, that love is love and I am one who deserves it.  My friend Danni had gotten me through the most that year.  Without her, I would’ve been a mess.  That year I also became more attached to God.  I went to Acquire The Fire and it changed my life.  A lot of things said there was heart touching.  I had made some mistakes before that I’m not proud of but those 27 hours was just unbelievable.  It was like weight had been lifted off of me, like God had forgiven me and taken the burden away.  There’s one thing I kept with me all through that time, my homosexuality.  It’s just a pride I can’t give up, not even for Him, He made me like this for a reason, and so no one can persuade me otherwise.

      Sophomore year:  current year.  I don’t know what happened to me, but the depression still lingers.  It’s like it never goes away.  Majority of the time I’m able to hide it, but sometimes it’s like I just don’t care if people can tell.  It’s still not even close to how it was at first; I’m never going back there.  It’s mainly just feelings about how no one cares about me or how I sometimes walk around with my head down or I go off and sit by myself just to be alone cause sometimes I feel like that’s how I’m supposed to be.  And I know that’s not true but most of the time my emotions just take over instead of my brain using logic.  But other than that, a lot of things are good.  August I started dating this girl named Courtney and she has been the main reason why I’m not depressed most of the time.  When she texts me “Good morning” before school, it makes me smile and I know that I’m lucky to have her.  But those days when she doesn’t because she’s busy or something, I know it’s going to be a bad day.  School’s better this year though.  I don’t let anyone get to me about who I am.  And this year there’s some new people who have opened up and when they need help, they come to me.  I feel like it’s my responsibility to help them.  I also got new friends and I’m not really part of a click anymore, I’m just a floater I suppose you could say.  I still get bullied but I just ignore the people now and act like it doesn’t bother me.  I just recently got contact with Rakshita so that made me happier and I know that I want to make a difference in the world; I want to be somebody.