I'm Still Here Struggling

I write in complete sorrow, when darkness starts to vanquish my shining light.  Once again I feel to need to be suppressed from people, from civilization.

            Every time I see you or talk to you, it causes me an enormous amount of pain.  But that’s okay because I believe that I should suffer; forever be ashamed of my mistakes and pathetic choices I've made and regretted.

            I've continuously broken someone’s heart, someone I love more than life itself; she was my life.  Every day I feel utterly depressed because of what I did.  I promised that I would never leave her, but eventually I did…I broke my promise that I never intended to do.  My love for her never died, it’s still dominant in my heart and it makes every breathing moment hard.

            I go to sleep and dream of her, yet when I awake I realize that I’m not with her anymore because I failed to keep my promise.  There’s a saying that goes, “If you love something let it go.”  That’s exactly what I did; the distance was hurting me and could tell that it hurt you too.  I couldn't always be there for you when you needed me to be.  I felt that if I just disappeared from your life, that you would find someone better, someone closer to you, someone who could always be there to take care of you.  I just want you to find someone who can love and care for you more than I ever did.

            Even after all I've said and done, I still love you and always will.  Being with my girlfriend does make me happy, but I can’t even kiss her or anything without feeling like I’m betraying you which is why I haven’t kissed her yet.  While I’m being honest, I do have feeling for Briana, but my heart will always yearn for you no matter how much time passes.

            I’m here dying, I feel like life’s punishing me for who I am; for what I’ve become.  Sadness still pours from this lost and lonely soul.  All I’m doing is trying to survive but I seem to be failing at that too.  I don’t think I’ll ever truly heal or move on from you Courtney.  You were the only thing in the darkness that I had…you were my light.