The Pain Drags On

Well, it’s been about 3 weeks since my life drastically changed.  Everyone tells me that I should be happy, even her, but I can’t; no one understands.  They don’t understand how much I put my heart into the relationship, into her.  She was everything I wanted and needed, but I guess she didn’t feel that way about me; I’m not surprised though, no one ever has.  Every day I fight with myself about texting her or not, I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I lose and end up doing it anyway.  I feel fine when I talk to her but then it stops and I’m in complete desperation.  She was my life, the only thing that mattered to me, and now, nothing does.  I don't even think she know's how much this is tearing me apart; that not being with her isn't a good thing for me, it's brought me to the lowest point I've ever been in my life.

  Whenever I’m not working, I’m laying here, thinking of her; and whenever I’m not awake, I’m dreaming of her.  I’ve always had horrible nightmares, but recently it’s just been dreams about her and I wake up in the middle of the night crying because  I know she’ll never be mine again; she’s moved on to someone new.  The thought of someone else holding her, being able to call her theirs, and saying the words “I love you” to her, makes me feel so meaningless, so abandoned.  It makes me cry my eyes out uncontrollably.

  I know this is wrong to say, I shouldn’t even think it, but I just wish that I wasn’t gay at all because then maybe life would be easier and I wouldn’t be sitting here crying while writing this.  I’ve always been proud to be myself, to be gay, but lately I just wish that I wasn’t; I also wish that I didn’t even exist.  It’s hard to actually say it, so why am I even thinking this?  I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore; I can’t possibly be a psychiatrist if I’m like this.

 My mother’s side tries to comfort me, but I won’t let them; it’s just impossible to.  Instead I go to my room and lay there until I fall asleep.  When I’m at my father's though, no one even cares.  I stay in my room there as well and write songs about her or I go out and run, walk, or ride my bike to clear my mind.  I haven’t seen any friends in 2 weeks; I just don’t feel like seeing anyone.  I would rather just sit in a corner and await death.  It just seems better that way; not just for myself, but for everyone.  I’m not actually saying I’m going to make myself die, I’m just saying that I think being dead would be so much better than this.