25 Things I Want To Do Before I Say My Farewells To This World

I was thinking about all the things I want to do before I die and I figured I’d share it on my blog so here goes nothing I guess:

1)   Lead or attend a gay rights movement

2)   Be in 2 places at the same time

3)   Get the nerve to hip hop dance in front of my friends

4)   Be able to tell people all of my feelings to their face

5)   Lay in the rain for at least 5 hours

6)   Play my guitar on the beach at sunset

7)   Play and epic piano piece for my friends that I wrote

8)   Meet Taylor Swift

9)   Adopt a child

10) Spend a week with an extremely poor family

11) Talk to teenagers who feel the need the kill themselves

12) Help teenagers with eating disorders

13) Write the story of my life

14) Stay at an abandoned mental institution for at least a week

15) Take a homeless person out to dinner

16) See the Northern Lights

17) Get into a good college

18) Get married

19) See the Libertarian Party gain more notice

20) Share my thoughts personally with the President

21) Hug a random person I see

22) Grow my hair at least twice then donate it for cancer patients

23) Gain the courage to go cliff diving

24) Have a huge snowball fight

25) Die happily knowing I’ve made a difference in the world and helped at least one person

Cedar Point Band Trip



Zach, Brooke, Me, and Liz at the beach 



Okay, so yesterday our band took a trip to Sandusky, Ohio to do a like 15 minute parade around Cedar Point then we got the rest of the day to do whatever we wanted.  It was such a fun day, one I will remember forever.  On the way there, my friend Janie and I sang and danced to songs together on the bus and that was really awesome and hilarious.  After we were done marching, I got together with a group of friends:  Zach, Brooke, and Liz.





Sam, Aidan, Megan, Amber H, Amanda, Me, and Ibby



Me, Ibby, and Sam



  We went on the most daring roller coasters, well Zach and I did because we’re roller coaster fanatics while Liz and Brooke aren’t really haha.  The Raptor was so awesome, that’s the one we rode the most although it was a “piece of cake”.  This one time we rode, the whole part we were in was all Grove City people:  it was my group, part of the silk line and dance line, and the group of last year’s French 2 class.  That was just freaking amazing(:  This one time I was walking around and Help by the Beatles came on so I started singing it and I passed my trombone buddy Jordan and he was singing it as well.  People may have been giving us weird looks, but hey, I felt like singing lol.  Later my friends and I went down to the beach to have some fun and that was the best part of the day.  After that I joined a different group of friends to ride this freaking crazy thing and while we were on it, my second best friend Ibby (Elizabeth) and I randomly started singing “I want Candy” which was EPIC!!!(: 





Part of Dance and Silk Line



Trotter, Bri, and Me(:



Then I went back to hanging out with my other group and watched Zach win Brooke a freaking huge penguin of which I’m totally jealous of.  But then they got boring so I went to chill with the dance and silk line.  I realized they’re extremely weird but it was pretty awesome while Katie and I were scaling up things such as these rock pole statue things.  I can’t really say what they are because I have no idea Hahaha.  That was pretty much the rest of the day at Cedar Point, but the ride back to Grove City was soooo messed up.  A group of guys:  Owen, Lyle, Tim, and Trotter started flashing everyone and while we were at a toll booth, the guy in it was LEGIT gay and when we were passing through, Owen flashed him and that had to be the funniest thing ever!  That’s basically my day yesterday, I can’t wait to go again next year with the band!=D

Me chilling by the beach

Welcome To My Life

“Do you ever feel like breaking down, do you ever feel out of place, like somehow you just don’t belong and no one understands you…no you don’t know what it’s like when nothing feels alright, you don’t know what it’s like to be me.  To be hurt to feel lost to be left out in the dark, to be kicked when you’re down to feel like you’ve been pushed around.  To be on the edge of breaking down when no one’s there to save you, no you don’t know what it’s like, welcome to my life.”  The lyrics are part of a song called Welcome to my life by Simple Plan and I do believe that it actually describes my life currently and the majority of it for the past few years.  No one knows what it’s like to be me or anything I go through, it’s like I’m on my own and I just want to give up, but I can’t even though I always feel like it.  Then people around me always makes things worse and when people think I’m happy, I’m not but it’s not like I’m going to tell them that.  I just go around with people thinking I’m fine and if they notice I’m not, then I lie about it because I don’t care about myself as much as I care about others.  I honestly feel like I mean nothing, like the only thing I ever wanted I can’t have but it taunts me and I try to hold back the tears but I can’t wait ‘till I’m alone to just let it all out, just by myself where no one can see me crying.  It just hurts and no one can help me…well I won’t let anyone.  I’m just so depressed and I don’t know what to do anymore, I hate my life, I hate myself, I just want to leave this place and go somewhere where I can be alone or at least with people or someone who will actually care about me but I have to face reality and stop wishing for everything because it won’t and it’s not getting me anywhere.  No one cares enough for me and I always get ignored.  I know there are actually people who have similar or the same problems but no one I know knows what it’s like to be me at all, I’m alone, I guess that’s all I’m good for….welcome to my life.

Great Confusion

So lately everything has been extremely confusing to me and I just don’t know what to do at this point in time.  Yeah I’m still dating Courtney, but my problem is that I have no idea if she actually loves me like she says she does, or for that matter, if she’s cheating on me or something, I just have no freaking idea.  And yet, no one seems to notice that something’s wrong, I guess I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings, what can I say, I’ve had so much practice.  Ha….. I guess it’s actually sorta funny in a way because that means I’m like… nothing.  Wait, what am I saying, that’s not funny at all!!!  I think my confusion comes mostly from my behalf though because I’m not really sure that I actually know who I am and it may sound strange, but people actually know me a lot more than I know myself.  Maybe that’s because I don’t really pay much attention to myself, I always focus the majority of my attention on my friends and the people I love that I exclude myself from, well from myself if that makes any sense.  You see what I mean; I just cause most of my confusion Hahaha.  Come to think of it, I think my heart confuses me because it always gets in the way of my thinking.  Like, I always think in my head that if I just stop talking to people and drop my feelings and everything for them, then maybe I can eventually get over all the things that hurt me, but my heart won’t let me do that because I can’t do that to the people I love even though my reasoning wants me to.  What confuses me the most is that people tell me one thing, but yet, the next day they change it and It usually stays like that forever, what’s up with that?!?  It makes me feel like no one likes me, but then again, why should I like them if all they’re going to do is lie?  My thoughts and feelings are all over the place causing me so much confusion.

Being In Love

My babygirl Courtney<3

A lot of times we fall into love and in return we get our hearts broke but if that’s the case, then it’s not true love.  True love is a feeling, a commitment, something you know will last a lifetime and never ends.  It’s knowing that you’ll always have someone by your side through anything and everything, never feeling alone, being able to share and trust that one person with anything, loving them endlessly no matter what through all the easy and rough things life throws your way.  When you’re in love you can’t stop thinking of your lover, you think about them from the time you wake up ‘till the time you fall asleep.  It’s when you get a text message or a call you automatically feel happy or when you see them you get butterflies in your stomach even though it’s not always noticeable.  It’s when they feel sad and yet at the same time, their feelings affect you and you begin feeling how they feel.  It’s wanting to be with them every single second of every single day.  It’s when every seconds like a minute, every hours like a day, and every day’s like forever.  Being in love is when you’re away from the other person, it hurts and you just want to be with them because you can’t stand not seeing them or being able to hold them in your arms or kiss them.  That’s how I feel, I’m in love with the most amazing girl in the world and I know we’ll always be together because she’s my everything and I will never let her go.  I know that I am going to marry her one days cause I can’t stand to be without her and I love her with everything I have<3  I guess it tis true what they always say:  “things will end up how they’re supposed to and that things always get better” (:  I love you Courtney<3

Change

I wrote this last week and forgot to post it, sorry I haven’t posted anything recently, my life has been pretty busy and amazing, but here it tis:  It’s funny how even the smallest things in life, the things you or others may think are less important, turn out to be in full, truly important.  Such as the small things in my life, the things that I don’t think others should care about, that I’ve never really given much thought to.  They’re the things about me that the common person could and will judge, it’s just that I don’t think people would actually care about my problems, except it turns out that my problems are what I need to change because they changed me…I just need to be a better person.  A lot of people now days, especially teenagers, have an issue with their self-esteem.  I’m not talking about the stuck up kids who want to be “popular” because they think they’re everything, they’re perfect, and there’s nothing wrong with their appearance:  I’m talking about the “normal”, the average kids.  The point is that everyone has flaws whether we want to acknowledge them or not, even the people who think there is absolutely nothing wrong with them.  I admit that I have MANY flaws that I need to change, that I WILL change and nothing can get in my way of achieving that goal.  It’s not just that I’m changing for myself, but I’m also changing for others:  for the people around me that I hurt because of how I act, which would be depressing.  I’ve learned that even if one person is depressed, it actually starts to effect the people around them and that is why I’m changing, I need to treat others and myself better because…well because I matter, I am important and I can’t keep telling myself that I’m not, nobody should tell themselves that.  All I know is that I’m going to change and I WILL be a better person because all that matters is being happy and I can’t be happy if the majority of the time I hate myself.