Dear Courtney

I’ve decided to write a letter to my ex because it seems like this is the only way she’ll listen since she seems to be ignoring me now, so here it goes:

Dear Courtney,

            I wish I could go back to when I met you, to when I fell for you….and run away.  I don’t know if your life would’ve been any better without me in it, I hope that it wouldn’t have, but part of me thinks that you’d be better off if we didn’t date.  And although the journey was something I’ll never regret; it’s the ending that I regret happening.  I don’t know if there’s something differently I could’ve done to keep us together, but I just wish that it didn’t end like this.

 You know that I always loved you with everything I had.  I listened when you needed it, I didn’t judge you for your past, nor did I ever stop loving you.  Even to this very day, my heart beats for you; you’re the only person that I want, but I realize that you aren’t coming back so I unfortunately have to move on.  Even if I start seeing other people, they’ll never match my love I have for you; no one will ever be like you, you're the best person that entered my life which is why this has been hard on me.  I do wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck though, and I hope she treats you right because you deserve to have the best; I’m just sorry I wasn’t that person.

 I put your picture back up in my room though because when I look at it, it makes me smile and realize how lucky I was to have you; to finally have someone who could lift the sadness from my shoulders.  You were my hero; my love.  I was never able to sleep well, but I still have nightmares, except they’re about you now.  And I just want a good night’s sleep instead of lying in bed thinking about you; wondering what you’re doing or what you’re thinking.

 I know I hurt you though, that I was jealous when you were with other people, or mad when you weren’t returning any of my texts.  I was selfish and I shouldn’t have been.  I know I’ve already spilled my heart out to you, but….i’m just bad at explaining myself, at explaining my feelings.  And I know it’s weird to say this, but I miss your voice, your beautiful face, so I watch your sisters YouTube video’s with you in them and they make me laugh and remember how amazing you are.  I have so many more things to say, it’s just that I don’t know how to say them, but the only thing that matters is that I love you and I can’t live without you, i'm nothing without you, even if we’re just friends, it's better than nothing…please talk to me Court.

Love, Bev

The Pain Drags On

Well, it’s been about 3 weeks since my life drastically changed.  Everyone tells me that I should be happy, even her, but I can’t; no one understands.  They don’t understand how much I put my heart into the relationship, into her.  She was everything I wanted and needed, but I guess she didn’t feel that way about me; I’m not surprised though, no one ever has.  Every day I fight with myself about texting her or not, I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I lose and end up doing it anyway.  I feel fine when I talk to her but then it stops and I’m in complete desperation.  She was my life, the only thing that mattered to me, and now, nothing does.  I don't even think she know's how much this is tearing me apart; that not being with her isn't a good thing for me, it's brought me to the lowest point I've ever been in my life.

  Whenever I’m not working, I’m laying here, thinking of her; and whenever I’m not awake, I’m dreaming of her.  I’ve always had horrible nightmares, but recently it’s just been dreams about her and I wake up in the middle of the night crying because  I know she’ll never be mine again; she’s moved on to someone new.  The thought of someone else holding her, being able to call her theirs, and saying the words “I love you” to her, makes me feel so meaningless, so abandoned.  It makes me cry my eyes out uncontrollably.

  I know this is wrong to say, I shouldn’t even think it, but I just wish that I wasn’t gay at all because then maybe life would be easier and I wouldn’t be sitting here crying while writing this.  I’ve always been proud to be myself, to be gay, but lately I just wish that I wasn’t; I also wish that I didn’t even exist.  It’s hard to actually say it, so why am I even thinking this?  I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore; I can’t possibly be a psychiatrist if I’m like this.

 My mother’s side tries to comfort me, but I won’t let them; it’s just impossible to.  Instead I go to my room and lay there until I fall asleep.  When I’m at my father's though, no one even cares.  I stay in my room there as well and write songs about her or I go out and run, walk, or ride my bike to clear my mind.  I haven’t seen any friends in 2 weeks; I just don’t feel like seeing anyone.  I would rather just sit in a corner and await death.  It just seems better that way; not just for myself, but for everyone.  I’m not actually saying I’m going to make myself die, I’m just saying that I think being dead would be so much better than this.