Hopeless Thoughts

Life doesn't hurt until you think about how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it was your fault.  I just wish that time could speed up because these are the worst years of my life.  Every time I do something right, something else goes wrong and when I do something great, no one remembers but when I do something wrong, no one can forget.  It’s as if everyone is out to get me, like its natural just to hate me.  I pretend that words don’t affect me; that I’m strong, but truth is, I’m not.  Everything affects me…my feeling get hurt all the time, but no one take notice.  It makes me wonder why I’m even here if no one likes me.  I only have one good thing in my life now, and that’s Courtney but she’s 508 miles away, but she’s worth the wait until we can be together without one of us having to leave.  But the world is getting to me just like it always has.  I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I wish that life was easier, that there would be neither hate nor judgment, and that people would actually like me instead of hate me.  I’m aware that I’m a horrible person, well in my mind I am, but everyone needs friends, even the worse of people.  Maybe that’s why everything’s falling apart; because there’s no one who has my back, there’s no one who wants it anyways it seems…I’m just a failure.  Life gets better, that’s not a lie, but it gets worse as well.  I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this, but sometimes I just want to sleep for a thousand years, or just not exist, or just not be aware that I exist, or something like that.  Looking back on my life, I realize that life just does terrible things; it takes everyone away from me, like I’m meant to be alone.  And no one understands me, but that’s because they haven’t even taken a step in my shoes and I wouldn’t blame them; my life is mayhem.  I haven’t cried in a while but lately I’ve found myself in the middle of doing something and I’d start to cry.  I hate this, I hate everything that has happened, but I can’t go back and change the things that have led to this and simply wishing they didn’t isn’t going to change anything, so that’s just pathetic to do.  I look up at the sky and wonder why life can’t be a happy thing, why do things always have to go wrong, and why is it that we can’t always have the same people in our lives; the people we love and adore, worship and give thanks for having them, why can’t we have the people that have always been there for us when we needed it, and why does our friends have to change…why?  It’s a depressing concept, but I just want an answer, I want someone to listen to my questions no matter how absurd they are, or how impossible they are.  I just want someone to be there.