My name’s Beverly (Bev). I’m not really sure when it all started, the past 3 years have just been a blur. I’ll start with 6th grade. This was the first year that I got bullied directly that I can remember and I wasn’t even a teenager yet. A lot of the “cool” people always called me the misfit, Beaverly, and other names I don’t recall, but they called me the misfit mainly because I was a tomboy. I mean sure it’s weird but I was raised being surrounded by mostly the male gender, there wasn’t really a female figure in my life growing up. Anyways, that year this girl decided she was going to punch me in the face and I personally don’t believe in fighting so I just stood there while she did it. Then she told everyone she beat me up, which technically she didn’t and let me tell you, she sucks at punching. Well, she persuaded most of my friends to befriend me so I was the person with no friends.
The next year, 7th grade, I changed my look. I no longer wore boy clothing nor did I wear my hair up. I wore makeup for the first time and people started asking me out. My first serious relationship was with a guy named Jonah who is currently one of my good friends. He was also my first kiss and I never forgot that moment. It’s one of my best memories from Jr. High. I also acquired new friendship. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I was enjoying life after a year full of bullying. It was strange; having the change from grade school to Jr. High, single to a serious relationship, and from having no friends to gaining new ones. This girl, Rakshita, came to our school after moving here from India and we became best friends. We use to sing Taylor Swift songs on the bus all the time; we’d laugh and have a fun time. But at the end of the year she moved and no one could replace her, she was one of a kind, she was the best friend I ever had. Well that depressed me, and on top of that, Jonah dumped me. That’s when I started writing poetry. I did it to explain how I was feeling and they were very negative poems. The school year ended and summer started. In July one of my friends told me that they were bisexual and I being a Christian thought it was wrong and she told me that I couldn’t judge her because I never experienced anything with a girl before. She kissed me one day and I don’t know why, but I kissed her back. I guess that that’s when I knew I was bisexual too.
8th grade: worst year of my life. The only good part was when I joined a band. We were actually good, had a few gigs but then we all became so busy that we split. So, the bad part was that I was bisexual and not sure how my friends would take it. I was scared. Most of them were Christians and I didn’t want to be friendless again. I only told the people I knew wouldn’t judge me. Some of them did though and it put me down further. Then this new girl, Catherine, invited me to her sleepover birthday party. It was the first time anyone has ever invited me to anything and it made me happy. But what made that sleepover amazing was meeting this one girl, Sarah. The moment I met her, something just changed inside me. I can’t explain it, it’s like I was weightless, like nothing else mattered but her. She was the first person I truly fell in love with. After that day it was like my life only revolved around her. The problem was that she didn’t know that I loved her and I didn’t know that she was bisexual like me. But I eventually told her and for a long time I chased after her love. I was unsuccessful. I don’t know if that was where most of my depression came from, but it was horrible. A lot of the time I just wished that I was dead and it came to the point where I wanted to end it, I didn’t want to breathe another breath. I felt like love was a privilege that I didn’t deserve it because of who I was. Life was just horrible. My old friend Meg told the guidance counselor that I had tried to kill myself and he got me out of school and I had to go see a psychiatrist. I saw him for a while but he never really helped me.
Freshman year was the year I was finding myself. It was the year that I started looking too in depth with things. I was still depressed, it doesn’t go away that easily, but it was just the feeling of not being wanted or loved not the suicidal thoughts anymore. About a month before school started I became very sick; I didn’t have the right nutrition’s or enough protein. I had been a vegetarian for 3 years but I wasn’t being healthy about it. After that once I started eating meat and more food I gained some weight. I looked at myself differently though; it’s like when I looked in the mirror all I saw was…fat. I became bulimic and that continued for a little less than a year. Then I realized that it wasn’t right. Anyways, this was the year that I announced my sexual orientation. There were many mixed feelings about this from others: some felt mad, confused, surprised, while some just welcomed me. They welcomed me to their click. These people guided, supported, and inspired me. They knew what I would be going through as a newly open homosexual. It was hard. At times I just felt like going back to my old ways again, to escape from everything. Instead, I found myself coming home from school, going directly to my room, and listening to emo/alternative/punk/screamo music, drawing/painting, writing poetry, or writing songs. I didn’t want to face reality. When I got to school I looked forward to seeing my friends again so that I could talk to them about how I felt. Unfortunately, most of them were seniors and I knew they would be graduating and leaving me to the test for the following year. They had taught me to stand up for myself for who I am, not to judge others because I have felt the pain it causes, never to give up, and most importantly, that love is love and I am one who deserves it. My friend Danni had gotten me through the most that year. Without her, I would’ve been a mess. That year I also became more attached to God. I went to Acquire The Fire and it changed my life. A lot of things said there was heart touching. I had made some mistakes before that I’m not proud of but those 27 hours was just unbelievable. It was like weight had been lifted off of me, like God had forgiven me and taken the burden away. There’s one thing I kept with me all through that time, my homosexuality. It’s just a pride I can’t give up, not even for Him, He made me like this for a reason, and so no one can persuade me otherwise.
Sophomore year: current year. I don’t know what happened to me, but the depression still lingers. It’s like it never goes away. Majority of the time I’m able to hide it, but sometimes it’s like I just don’t care if people can tell. It’s still not even close to how it was at first; I’m never going back there. It’s mainly just feelings about how no one cares about me or how I sometimes walk around with my head down or I go off and sit by myself just to be alone cause sometimes I feel like that’s how I’m supposed to be. And I know that’s not true but most of the time my emotions just take over instead of my brain using logic. But other than that, a lot of things are good. August I started dating this girl named Courtney and she has been the main reason why I’m not depressed most of the time. When she texts me “Good morning” before school, it makes me smile and I know that I’m lucky to have her. But those days when she doesn’t because she’s busy or something, I know it’s going to be a bad day. School’s better this year though. I don’t let anyone get to me about who I am. And this year there’s some new people who have opened up and when they need help, they come to me. I feel like it’s my responsibility to help them. I also got new friends and I’m not really part of a click anymore, I’m just a floater I suppose you could say. I still get bullied but I just ignore the people now and act like it doesn’t bother me. I just recently got contact with Rakshita so that made me happier and I know that I want to make a difference in the world; I want to be somebody.
